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An Open Letter to the President

By Neville Chamberlain for the Neville Awards
Posted February 2, 2009

Neville Chamberlain
123 Socialist Utopia Ln.
Worker's Paradise, CA 99999

Dear Mr. President:

As you have recently taken office I understand that you still have a number of positions available in your Cabinet.

I would like to be considered as a candidate for one of the remaining positions. I hope that being an old white male is not a disqualification or a disadvantage in these times (please don't tell Robert Reich that I wrote to you).

Here are my qualifications:
  • I am an Ivy League educated lawyer (aren't we all?)
  • My specialty is tax law and international relations.
  • For the last 6 years I have failed to pay, forgot to pay, and/or ignored paying my full share of federal income taxes and social security payments.
  • I accepted, for 3 years, a limousine service provided by one of my clients that drove me to and from my office. I did not realize or care that free services are considered income.
  • I helped broker and/or ran four pay-to-play operations for the Democratic machines in Chicago (I think some of your staff may know the individuals involved) and in Los Angeles.
  • I secured sweetheart mortgage deals for myself and prominent members of the House and Senate Finance committees.
  • I also hired a nanny from Guatemala to look after my children but failed to include her unemployment taxes in my returns for the last 10 years.
It really doesn't matter which cabinet position I am considered for because I know that, within a year, some of your current Cabinet officers will have resigned/been indicted/been shuffled to other cabinet positions. I am sure that each cabinet position is exciting and has it's own unique "opportunities" and interesting challenges.

I also have extensive experience in meeting with dictators and despots without pre-conditions. How about that job I did in Munich in 1938? Perhaps when Hillary self-destructs I could be considered for Secretary of State.

I am sincerely sorry about these minor tax payment oversights and I know that you and the Senate Democrats will make endless excuses for me and say I am the only one who can do this job...whichever one I am nominated for.

I intend to file amended tax returns as soon as I am aware that the vetting process has begun. By the way, can you use your influence with Treasury Sec. Geithner so I can avoid paying those annoying penalties? Thanks bro'.

Please know that I can do a great job for you now that being a tax scofflaw is the road to upward mobility in public service.

Kind regards,

Neville…former Prime Minister for the United Kingdom
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